IN IT TOGETHER
JUNE 2014

Hello Everyone...

I woke up a few days ago thinking (not for the first time) of the tail-end of a Czechoslovakian (?) folk story Dixie used to tell at workshops many years ago. I can no longer remember the story itself in its entirety, but it basically had to do with a tribe’s holy leader, Zusa, ascending the mountain to speak with God about how to best serve his people. When he finally returned to them, they could tell by the tears running down his face that he was deeply moved. After pounding him with questions about his experience, he finally told them that he had learned the ONE question that would be asked of him (and everyone else upon arrival in Heaven)….and that one question would be: “Zusa….Zusa…..why were you not Zusa?” Then he bowed his head and wept at the realization that he was afraid to be who HE was because he ran around trying to be who and what everyone else needed him to be…..and no one was truly served in the sham of pretending to be what someone else needed him to be rather than just being himself.

I think that’s such a wonderful story, and I’ve repeated that same question to myself on more than a few occasions over the years, though it’s been MY name I’ve plugged in there: “Marty, Marty, why are you not Marty?”

Being Dixie’s student for so many years, of course I’ve shared in this past year a lot of things she’s already talked about in her many years of writing these newsletters. We’ve both talked about buttons and our reactions and how it would behoove us to assess those reactions, process them down to the point where we understand WHY we reacted and what that reaction had to say about US. Reactions have one positive thing going for them – they’re usually (though not always) pretty easy to spot as we EXPLODE in anger or outrage or fear or guilt or whatever it is that makes our button being pushed pretty obvious.

But what I think might be less obvious is how we TIPTOE around people who are important to us. By “tiptoe”, I mean feeling like we’re doing something that will make someone else mad or disappointed in us or have some kind of negative consequence, and so we just dance around an issue or downright hide it so we don’t risk another’s wrath or disappointment or disrespect or disapproval. We’re afraid at times to show who WE are because we’re afraid someone else won’t love or like us anymore. We walk around when we tiptoe with a feeling of anxiety in us that pervades our overall Being, but it isn’t quite as obvious to us because WE believe somehow we are in the wrong and so we accept a possible adverse reaction as a statement about US instead of remembering that when someone has a reaction to us, it’s saying something about THEM most of the time…..so why do WE own it?

Have you ever noticed that when someone says something unflattering about us that is flat-out wrong and/or just not quite the complete truth, we take it in and believe it at some level? And yet if someone offers us a compliment, we reject it. “You look nice today.” “ME? God, I look HORRIBLE.” And we dismiss their Gift summarily. We reject the compliments but yet we accept the criticisms.

If only we could set the criticisms aside as easily as we toss away the compliments!

But back to Zusa. I remember sitting in a Dixie workshop as she told the Zusa story and then immediately launched into all the ways we hide our true selves from each other because we feel that we don’t have the right to feel as we do and we’re afraid if we express our needs/feelings, they’ll be met with disapproval. Though of course I can’t remember verbatim what she said, I can certainly remember the gist: “If I wear my hair in a different style, would you like me better? If I wear a different color, would you like me better? If I say what you think I should say, would you like me better? If I pretend to believe what you believe, would you like me better? If I stand this way, would you like me better? What would it take to make you love me?” That entire workshop was one of the ones I took to heart the most. It rang that Bell of Truth in me so strongly that it truly made a positive impact….because the truth is, we turn ourselves inside out to try to make another love us. And the thing is, if they don’t love us already, they’re not going to. And if they do love us, whatever we do won’t make a bit of difference BECAUSE they love us. They might not like all that we do, but they love us.

We’re so afraid we might lose another’s love/approval that we’ll be/do anything we think they’d like RATHER THAN BE OURSELVES. We’re dishonoring our own Beings by pretending to be someone we think they might like better than the real us. AND we’re dishonoring the person we want to be in relationship with by hiding from them and trying to be someone that we’re not. They don’t even get a chance to love the real US!!!

I’m fairly sure I was thinking about Zusa and living life for the approval of others because I’ve had several conversations recently with people who have realized they can no longer remember who THEY are because they’ve been so busy trying to please someone else. For example, one of my friends mentioned that she felt like making eggs and bacon and toast one night for dinner, and when her husband came home and saw what she’d made, he was extremely unhappy with it and her, so she never made it again….even though it was something she liked to have at dinner. She convinced herself it didn’t matter that she liked it – if HE didn’t, that was the end of that. At first she told herself it was because she loved him and naturally wanted to make him happy that made her overlook her own needs. But she said she finally realized that what she had been doing was making sure she didn’t give him a reason to be upset with her, so she hid HER needs and desires so that he wouldn’t be angry. That’s what I mean by “tiptoeing”. It never occurred to her that if he loved HER, she could have made liver hairballs and he would have pretended to like it and if not, he would have made himself something else. SHE took it on as HER problem…..when it had never been her problem at all.

I know I’ve certainly tiptoed in my own life. Once I realized I’d been doing so (which I didn’t realize until I was out of a dead relationship and in reflection mode), I took action to STOP tiptoeing and vowed I’d never do it again. Of course as is the way of learning a lesson, I’ve been tested many times in this area. I don’t dare say I’ve got it down pat because as soon as I say THAT, I’ll see that I don’t….smile…..but I’ve come a long way in that area, and I know much of it had to do with truly having that “ah-ha” moment in that Dixie workshop so many years ago.

So…..in addition to paying attention to the reactions we have when our buttons are pushed and coming to understand what those reactions actually say about US…..I think it’s extremely helpful to also reflect upon the people in our lives around whom we tiptoe and WHY. Are we tiptoeing because we don’t want them to be upset with us? Is it because we don’t think OUR needs are as important as theirs? Is it because we’re afraid they might think we’re bad and won’t like/love us anymore? Is it because we don’t want to hurt their feelings, no matter the cost to us? What are we hiding about ourselves? What are we afraid to show?

In this time of Spiritual Graduation, identifying the people we tiptoe around and the reasons WHY we do so can be an incredibly insightful and valuable tool we can use to find out why it is we say or do (or don’t say or do) certain things because we think it isn’t safe to be who we are, that hiding is just “easier”. No, it isn’t easier. It takes tremendous energy to keep ourselves hidden from others as we add one layer after another of untruths in us. Have you ever lied to someone and then had to remember the lie you told so you could stay consistent with it? It’s a WHOLE lot more work to cover our lies than to simply live our truth.

Remember…..in the next dimension, where we’ll all eventually be, nothing is hidden….nothing, because there’s no NEED to hide anything in that next dimension. There’s no shame, no fear, no guilt, no anger. We’ll be gloriously free to BE without any hesitation whatsoever. But we don’t get to be there until we learn how to be who we are here, without apology, without shame. As long as we don’t intentionally cause harm to another, we can Be who we are HERE when we get rid of all the things in us that make us think who we are isn’t good enough and so we damned well better hide it.

OH, what a relief to not have to hide anymore…..!!!!!

Hoping June is kind to us all. So far, it sure has been a beautiful Spring. If you can, get out and enjoy nature. I spent time outside this weekend and couldn’t get enough of hearing all the birdies talking to each other, of listening to the high wind blowing through the pines, of smelling the rich aroma of pine needles baking on the ground, of feeling the sun’s warmth on my body....ahhhhhh…..’twas Heaven on Earth….. !!!!

Hold on to your Spirit...        
Marty